1 00:00:07,734 --> 00:00:10,767 (quacks) 2 00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,767 (thunder crashing) 3 00:00:19,601 --> 00:00:21,300 (mewing) 4 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:23,467 (thunder crashing) 5 00:00:23,534 --> 00:00:25,501 (yowling) 6 00:00:30,834 --> 00:00:32,501 (glass breaking) 7 00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:40,300 (thunder crashing) 8 00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:05,667 Yes, my son? 9 00:01:05,734 --> 00:01:06,901 Bless me, Father. 10 00:01:06,968 --> 00:01:08,234 Did you sneeze? 11 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,400 No, I sinned. 12 00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:11,701 Oh, did you lie? No. 13 00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:13,100 Curse? No. 14 00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,067 Steal? No. 15 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:15,400 Covet your neighbor's wife? 16 00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:16,567 No. 17 00:01:16,634 --> 00:01:18,100 Come now, you can tell me. 18 00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:21,367 Did you throw her up against the backyard barbecue 19 00:01:21,434 --> 00:01:23,234 and procreate your brains out 20 00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:25,534 till she yelled yippie-yi-yo-ki-yay? 21 00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:27,534 No, Father, I've done something worse. 22 00:01:27,601 --> 00:01:29,133 I've betrayed my partner. 23 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:30,634 (gasping) 24 00:01:30,701 --> 00:01:32,801 I know, it's the most terrible sin of all, isn't it? 25 00:01:32,868 --> 00:01:34,801 No. I spilled my espresso. 26 00:01:34,868 --> 00:01:36,934 But you still have eight minutes. 27 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:39,434 I might as well hear this sin of yours. 28 00:01:39,501 --> 00:01:40,934 Thank you, Father. 29 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,667 (thunder crashing) It was a dark and stormy Monday, 30 00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:44,234 just like any other Monday 31 00:01:44,300 --> 00:01:46,734 except for the sunny ones, or the partly cloudy ones, 32 00:01:46,801 --> 00:01:48,434 or the ones with a cold inversion layer 33 00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:50,868 and a 30% chance of precipitation. 34 00:01:50,934 --> 00:01:53,667 Things around the office were a little slow. 35 00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:55,367 My partner, Duckman, and I hadn't had a real case 36 00:01:55,434 --> 00:01:58,000 since the Catholic schoolgirl disembowelings of '91. 37 00:01:58,067 --> 00:02:00,234 And even then, the schoolgirl got away. 38 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:02,400 (ringing) 39 00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:05,734 That black thing on my desk is going to explode! 40 00:02:05,801 --> 00:02:07,467 Duckman Detective Agency. 41 00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:09,501 He's crazy! He's talking to it! 42 00:02:09,567 --> 00:02:11,067 Wait. That's the phone. 43 00:02:11,133 --> 00:02:13,767 This could actually be someone calling with a case. 44 00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,133 Tide. 45 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,067 Cold water, because it gets my whites whiter. 46 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,934 And then, she walked in 47 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,267 and I knew our lives were about to change forever. 48 00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:28,200 She was the most beautiful dame I'd ever seen. 49 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,868 And I never say dame, except when creatively obligated 50 00:02:29,934 --> 00:02:34,200 by a film noir parody. 51 00:02:34,267 --> 00:02:35,901 (goofy laughter) 52 00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,534 Can somebody cigarette me? 53 00:02:46,801 --> 00:02:48,734 (inhales deeply) 54 00:02:50,267 --> 00:02:53,834 I could tell she was trouble with a capital "T." 55 00:02:53,901 --> 00:02:55,501 I was ready with a capital "R." 56 00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:59,067 Duckman was reduced to a puddle with a very large pee. 57 00:02:59,133 --> 00:03:00,501 Thanks,Ducky. 58 00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:03,200 You look like someone who can handle himself in bed. 59 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:04,834 Yeah. 60 00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:06,534 And no doubt often does. 61 00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:08,267 My name's Tamara. 62 00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:10,000 Tamara le Boinque. 63 00:03:10,067 --> 00:03:11,534 From the moment she opened her mouth, 64 00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,901 I wanted to sublet her tongue, moved into her larynx 65 00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:15,968 and redo the upper incisors in mauve. 66 00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:18,567 Well, not exactly mauve, but mauve-ish. 67 00:03:18,634 --> 00:03:19,901 I need your help. 68 00:03:19,968 --> 00:03:21,601 Someone's trying to tuck me in with a shovel. 69 00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:24,267 Punch my ticket. 70 00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:26,868 Kill me. 71 00:03:26,934 --> 00:03:28,300 Ya-ha! Sure. 72 00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,701 Actually, I knew that. Kill you. 73 00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,767 All right. Yeah, fine. Absolutely. Sure. 74 00:03:37,334 --> 00:03:39,801 Someone ran me off the road last night. 75 00:03:39,868 --> 00:03:42,467 Then tried to break into my penthouse today 76 00:03:42,534 --> 00:03:43,934 and crash my party of one in the bathtub. 77 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,133 I barely had time to throw on this trench coat 78 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,601 and climb down the fire escape. 79 00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:49,167 Wait a minute! You're naked under there? 80 00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,734 First my neighbor dies before I paid back that 20. 81 00:03:51,801 --> 00:03:53,200 Now this. 82 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,667 I went to the local constabulary and they didn't believe me, 83 00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:57,701 but something told me you would. 84 00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:00,267 Yeah, well, this is one time you're gonna have to prove it. 85 00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:01,367 Prove what? 86 00:04:01,434 --> 00:04:02,701 That you're naked. 87 00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:04,200 Women come here all the time saying they're naked 88 00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:05,934 when they're really wearing skin-colored body stockings. 89 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,567 Show us you're not, we take the case. 90 00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:10,601 Sort of a tit-for-tat, tat-for-tit kind of thing. 91 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:13,734 Listen, handsome. 92 00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:16,501 If you've got the itch, I've got the scratch. 93 00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:17,868 Here's a hundred 94 00:04:17,934 --> 00:04:19,567 and there's more where that came from. 95 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,234 There is? Could I get it? 96 00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,334 I know what you're thinking but I won't use my hands. 97 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,834 Just my bill. Might take five, ten minutes, 98 00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:27,300 but I'll sniff it out. 99 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,300 What Duckman's trying to say is 100 00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:30,667 we'll take your case. 101 00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:32,133 Of course, we'll take your body... 102 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,334 fondle your case... case your casabas... 103 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,400 take... take your case. 104 00:04:36,467 --> 00:04:38,467 Remember at DDA, our motto is, we want to see you 105 00:04:38,534 --> 00:04:40,400 greased up and semi-conscious. 106 00:04:40,467 --> 00:04:42,834 Happy. We just want to see you happy. 107 00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:43,901 We changed the motto? 108 00:04:43,968 --> 00:04:45,901 Miss Le Boinque, is there anyone you suspect? 109 00:04:45,968 --> 00:04:48,601 Well, Nick at the club, where I perform, said he'd kill me 110 00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,167 'cause I had sex with Frankie the bartender, 111 00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:52,868 who said he'd kill me 'cause I had sex with Bob the doorman, 112 00:04:52,934 --> 00:04:54,868 who said he'd kill me 'cause I had sex with Ray the bouncer, 113 00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,200 who said he'd kill me 114 00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:57,734 'cause I had sex with Lahos the busboy, who said... 115 00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,200 CORNFED: So she'd been around the pool 116 00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:01,100 more times than Esther Williams on steroids. 117 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:02,534 There was something about her 118 00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:05,501 that made me want to get a membership at her "Y." 119 00:05:05,567 --> 00:05:08,167 It felt good to have a real, live client again, 120 00:05:08,234 --> 00:05:10,033 not just the practice kind built out of Legos. 121 00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:13,367 We decided to go to the speakeasy where she worked. 122 00:05:15,968 --> 00:05:18,934 ("As Time Goes By" playing) 123 00:05:24,901 --> 00:05:26,167 Hey, you. 124 00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:27,267 I didn't do it. 125 00:05:27,334 --> 00:05:28,767 It wasn't me. 126 00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:31,033 I didn't strangle the German for the letters of transit. 127 00:05:31,100 --> 00:05:33,033 I didn't stab the albino 128 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,133 and hide the knife in the hooker's G-string. 129 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,200 I'm innocent. Innocent! 130 00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:38,467 Save it for the late show, creep-ola. 131 00:05:38,534 --> 00:05:40,467 I was just looking for the men's can. 132 00:05:40,534 --> 00:05:43,467 Duckman, maybe we should ask him some questions about Tamara. 133 00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:45,234 Tamara. 134 00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:47,133 That woman makes me crazy. 135 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,367 And when I find her, 136 00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:51,234 I'm going to chop her into little pieces. 137 00:05:51,300 --> 00:05:53,234 Then throw her into a stew 138 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,734 and feed her to a pack of rabid dogs. 139 00:05:55,801 --> 00:05:57,434 (laughing) 140 00:05:57,501 --> 00:06:01,601 But you're probably talking about a different Tamara. 141 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,534 See? Nothing. I say we head over to the corner table. 142 00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:06,601 Tubby guys sitting under fans always know what's what. 143 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,300 Excuse me. The name's Duckman. 144 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,734 A duck yet a man. 145 00:06:09,801 --> 00:06:11,067 Gad, sir, you are amazing. 146 00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:12,901 Right, well, I got a couple of questions... 147 00:06:12,968 --> 00:06:14,534 An inquisitive sort. Excellent, sir. 148 00:06:14,601 --> 00:06:16,534 A trait truly to be admired. 149 00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:17,567 Look, I'm a detective... 150 00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:18,901 Detective. Fascinating. One never knows 151 00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:21,234 what you're going to say next, sir. 152 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,133 Maybe 'cause you don't let me say it! 153 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,467 I want to know if you know anything about... 154 00:06:24,534 --> 00:06:26,033 Know anything. Huh. Know anything. 155 00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,601 By Jove, sir, you are a character. 156 00:06:27,667 --> 00:06:29,133 (laughing) 157 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,534 But I must be off. 158 00:06:30,601 --> 00:06:33,534 I'm past due for my return trip to the salad bar. 159 00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:34,701 (laughing) 160 00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:36,367 Salad bar. 161 00:06:36,434 --> 00:06:38,367 (laughing) 162 00:06:38,434 --> 00:06:41,367 Might want to munch on a little more scenery 163 00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:42,834 while you're at it! 164 00:06:42,901 --> 00:06:44,267 Supporting players. 165 00:06:44,334 --> 00:06:46,033 ANNOUNCER: ladies and gentlemen, 166 00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,567 (drumroll) Drooligans is proud to presents 167 00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:51,267 the sultry stylings of that sleep-around slut of a singer-- 168 00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:55,033 who I'll kill if she has sex with George the valet again-- 169 00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,634 Miss Tamara le Boinque. 170 00:06:56,701 --> 00:06:58,601 Your buckets, gentlemen. 171 00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:01,200 Bucket? What the hell do we need buckets for? 172 00:07:02,267 --> 00:07:03,968 (hooting) 173 00:07:04,033 --> 00:07:06,000 Wa, hoo, hoo, ha, hoo, hoo. 174 00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:08,200 Waa, ooh. 175 00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:10,934 Hello, boys. 176 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,701 Are you... 177 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:13,968 ready? 178 00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,534 (cheering) 179 00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:19,334 (drumroll) 180 00:07:24,234 --> 00:07:26,968 * I'm a little teapot, short and stout * 181 00:07:27,033 --> 00:07:29,634 * Here is my handle, here is my spout * 182 00:07:29,701 --> 00:07:32,701 * When I get all steamed up, watch me shout * 183 00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:35,300 * Tip me over and pour me out. * 184 00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,367 Of all the drool joints in all the world, 185 00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:45,567 she has to bring her act into this one. 186 00:07:45,634 --> 00:07:47,400 Pardon me. Do you know Miss le Boinque? 187 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,667 Who's asking? 188 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,367 And by that I mean, what's your name? 189 00:07:50,434 --> 00:07:51,767 Why do you want to know? 190 00:07:51,834 --> 00:07:54,033 Stuff like that, 'cause I know it was you who asked. 191 00:07:54,100 --> 00:07:56,567 The name's Duckman. Where were you at 4:00 192 00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:58,133 this afternoon?! Throwing a rock through a window. 193 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,367 Did it have a note attached to it? 194 00:07:59,434 --> 00:08:00,534 All my rocks do. 195 00:08:00,601 --> 00:08:02,534 And could this be one of your rocks? 196 00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:05,033 It is one of my rocks, but it just so happens 197 00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:07,033 that my house was broken into last night 198 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:09,601 and that rock was the only thing taken out of my safe. 199 00:08:09,667 --> 00:08:10,634 Uh-huh. 200 00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,834 All right, the rock story seems air tight, 201 00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:13,934 but one thing bothers me. 202 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,000 He's the third suspicious character 203 00:08:15,067 --> 00:08:16,000 we've talked to. 204 00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:17,033 The third one's always guilty. 205 00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:18,367 What the...? 206 00:08:18,434 --> 00:08:22,167 (gunfire and screaming) 207 00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:26,901 So much for the rule of threes. 208 00:08:26,968 --> 00:08:28,567 It wasn't pretty. 209 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,033 The whole club had been shot up 210 00:08:30,100 --> 00:08:31,734 and everyone was covered in drool. 211 00:08:31,801 --> 00:08:32,701 And that's not all. 212 00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:35,334 Tamara was in Duckman's arms. 213 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,400 Well, all the really good parts were in his hands. 214 00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,767 I knew then that Duckman had fallen for her. 215 00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,801 The problem is, I had a secret, a terrible secret. 216 00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,200 I loved Tamara, too. 217 00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,067 And I could tell by the way she giggled 218 00:08:46,133 --> 00:08:47,868 when we were hiding from Duckman in the closet 219 00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:49,801 and I showed her that little trick I do with my tail 220 00:08:49,868 --> 00:08:50,801 that she loved me back. 221 00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:52,534 That's why I'm here, Father. 222 00:08:52,601 --> 00:08:55,067 I've betrayed my partner and I don't know what to do. 223 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:57,400 Please, tell me what to do. 224 00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,100 I think maybe... a diamond ring. 225 00:09:00,167 --> 00:09:01,901 By golly, you're right. 226 00:09:01,968 --> 00:09:03,901 Even though he's my partner, I've got to follow my heart. 227 00:09:03,968 --> 00:09:05,167 Thank you, Father. 228 00:09:05,234 --> 00:09:06,634 I could have never made this decision 229 00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:08,300 if you hadn't listened to me and cared. 230 00:09:10,367 --> 00:09:11,534 Shopping channel? 231 00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:13,834 If I buy the three-carat zirconia 232 00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:15,701 do I get the free place mats? 233 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,701 Corny! 234 00:09:34,734 --> 00:09:36,300 What are you doing here? 235 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,334 Uh... I'm on the case, of course. 236 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,000 In order to properly understand a client, 237 00:09:40,067 --> 00:09:42,067 it's important to step inside her life. 238 00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:44,467 Tamara seems like someone who likes to lie on her sofa 239 00:09:44,534 --> 00:09:45,968 in a man's robe, smoking a pipe 240 00:09:46,033 --> 00:09:47,467 while admiring her own jewelry 241 00:09:47,534 --> 00:09:48,767 and setting her carpet on fire. 242 00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,868 Never mind all that. What are you doing here? 243 00:09:52,934 --> 00:09:53,934 Where's Tamara? 244 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,067 My house. 245 00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,801 She wanted me to stay in her bed tonight 246 00:09:56,868 --> 00:09:58,901 in case the killer tried getting to her while she slept. 247 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:01,734 I see. 248 00:10:01,801 --> 00:10:02,934 Yawn. 249 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,200 Well, I'm a little sleepy. 250 00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,400 I'll just leave you to your decoying 251 00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:07,434 and head home. 252 00:10:07,501 --> 00:10:09,067 By the by, I wonder if it's faster 253 00:10:09,133 --> 00:10:11,033 going by way of your house. 254 00:10:11,100 --> 00:10:12,033 (bangs) 255 00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:13,234 (yells) 256 00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:15,267 Corny, maybe you should stay, too. 257 00:10:15,334 --> 00:10:18,367 Not that I'm nervous or scared or soiling myself. 258 00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:21,234 I just thought maybe you'd like a chance to do this with me. 259 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,400 Be a murder victim? 260 00:10:22,467 --> 00:10:23,534 Ooh. Pinch me. 261 00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,033 It would be like old times. 262 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:27,334 We can go swimming, hiking and horseback riding. 263 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:28,601 We've never done any of that. 264 00:10:28,667 --> 00:10:31,367 I know, I'm reading it off the tampon box behind you. 265 00:10:31,434 --> 00:10:33,934 Okay, okay. I should know better than to try to lie to you. 266 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,033 I am scared. 267 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,567 And there's no one in the world 268 00:10:37,634 --> 00:10:40,267 I'd rather be with when I'm scared than you. 269 00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:55,901 (grunting) 270 00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:02,200 (Duckman clears throat) 271 00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,200 What? 272 00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:04,667 You're, uh, on my side. 273 00:11:04,734 --> 00:11:06,334 Since when is this your side? 274 00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,400 Well, it is at home. 275 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,434 Then go home. 276 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,334 Please. 277 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,667 You can have this nice, soft pillow. 278 00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:13,000 (pleadingly): Please? Please...? 279 00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,501 Good night, Duckman. 280 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,033 Corny... 281 00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,067 What is it? 282 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,434 I can't sleep with a hard pillow. 283 00:11:39,334 --> 00:11:41,901 Good night, Duckman. 284 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,901 Corny? 285 00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,267 Yes? 286 00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:48,267 I was just thinking about how lucky I am finding Tamara. 287 00:11:48,334 --> 00:11:50,501 I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me. 288 00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,934 You know, in high school, I was voted 289 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,901 most likely never to have an attractive woman speak to me. 290 00:11:53,968 --> 00:11:56,234 Also most likely to be indicted, most likely to wear vinyl 291 00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:58,400 and most likely to end up on a street corner 292 00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,868 wallowing in his own sputum. 293 00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:03,000 Wha...? Then don't leave your yearbook lying around. 294 00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,834 I'm going to marry her, Corny. 295 00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,634 (thunder crashing) 296 00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:09,234 And when I do, I want you right there next to me, 297 00:12:09,300 --> 00:12:11,667 sharing my special day as my best man. 298 00:12:11,734 --> 00:12:12,868 I love ya, Corny. 299 00:12:12,934 --> 00:12:14,300 You're the best friend anyone ever had. 300 00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:45,968 (squealing) 301 00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:50,634 Ooh... 302 00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:55,300 (moaning) 303 00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:56,501 Pant, pant. 304 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,200 Gasp, gasp. 305 00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:00,767 (moaning) 306 00:13:03,167 --> 00:13:05,033 (kissing sounds) 307 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,734 DUCKMAN: Hey, Corny! 308 00:13:11,801 --> 00:13:15,200 You're my best friend. 309 00:13:18,968 --> 00:13:21,133 (snoring) 310 00:13:25,901 --> 00:13:28,968 (alarm ringing) 311 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:32,467 Wow. What an amazing dream. 312 00:13:32,534 --> 00:13:34,667 Tamara and I were making out, giggling and kissing 313 00:13:34,734 --> 00:13:36,968 like a couple of high school kids at lovers' lane. 314 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,434 But I can't remember how it ended. 315 00:13:40,734 --> 00:13:42,267 Did you have that before? 316 00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:43,267 No. 317 00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:44,601 Why didn't you wake me?! 318 00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,734 I thought you were awake. 319 00:13:45,801 --> 00:13:47,033 (spitting) 320 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,267 I suppose this means our weekend in Maui's off. 321 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,901 Yikes! That could've killed us. 322 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:57,634 It would've killed Tamara for sure. 323 00:13:57,701 --> 00:13:59,033 She sleeps diagonally 324 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,067 with her feet down here and her head over he... 325 00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:02,734 We'd better turn off the power 326 00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,234 or that lose wiring will start a fire. 327 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,968 The fuse box is in that closet 328 00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,167 right behind her collection 329 00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:09,067 of Lithuanian pleasure device... 330 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,701 Power off. Let's go. 331 00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:15,067 Hey, how did you know 332 00:14:15,133 --> 00:14:17,567 that door was a pull instead of a push? 333 00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,934 (thunder crashing) 334 00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:24,667 This is going to be the hardest thing 335 00:14:24,734 --> 00:14:26,701 I've ever had to tell you, Duckman. 336 00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:28,667 I've spent the night here before. 337 00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:31,601 I'm in love with Tamara and she's in love with me. 338 00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:32,601 What? 339 00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:33,801 There's no way. 340 00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:35,434 She's in love with me! 341 00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:37,834 No. 342 00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:39,400 No! 343 00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:46,367 You can forget about being our best man! 344 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,100 Ow. 345 00:14:56,934 --> 00:14:59,067 I couldn't get Tamara out of my mind. 346 00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,234 Who was trying to kill her? 347 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:01,767 Why did every clue lead nowhere? 348 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:03,467 I couldn't get Tamara out of my mind. 349 00:15:03,534 --> 00:15:04,767 Who was trying to kill her? 350 00:15:04,834 --> 00:15:06,501 Could they maybe kill Cornfed instead? 351 00:15:06,567 --> 00:15:08,534 Everywhere I looked, I heard her voice. 352 00:15:08,601 --> 00:15:10,367 Everywhere I turned, I felt her touch. 353 00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:12,534 Why does love taste so bitter to a liar's tongue? 354 00:15:12,601 --> 00:15:14,934 Why does hate hurt what hardened hope heals? 355 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,801 How much wood could a woodchuck chuck 356 00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,567 if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 357 00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,901 And why is he sharpening so many pencils? 358 00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:22,133 What if we need to write something? 359 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:23,834 Steve Allen doesn't write that much. 360 00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:24,434 Pudding head. 361 00:15:24,501 --> 00:15:25,200 Turkey goop. 362 00:15:25,267 --> 00:15:25,901 Toe-jam. 363 00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:27,067 Simpsons wanna-be. 364 00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:29,534 That's it! 365 00:15:29,601 --> 00:15:30,868 Take that, porky. 366 00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:32,100 No. You. 367 00:15:32,167 --> 00:15:33,434 You little pork... 368 00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:34,868 Why, I ought to... 369 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:39,167 Wow. It sure is dark in here. 370 00:15:39,234 --> 00:15:42,767 Yes. The interplay between light and shadow 371 00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:46,334 is reminiscent of the German expressionist 372 00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,133 school of filmmaking. 373 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,701 I keep forgetting. 374 00:15:49,767 --> 00:15:52,000 You never went to college. 375 00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:53,934 Mr. Duckman, Mr. Cornfed, 376 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,100 I hate to interrupt your wacky hijinks, 377 00:15:57,167 --> 00:16:00,400 but Tamara le Boinque is on the phone. 378 00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:01,968 BOTH: Who'd she ask for? 379 00:16:02,033 --> 00:16:03,901 Cornfed. Duckman. 380 00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:05,868 Duckman. Cornfed. 381 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:09,234 Okay, okay. 382 00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,300 It was Mr. Duckman. 383 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:13,133 Whoo-hoo! 384 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,767 Excuse me, my porcine pal. 385 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:19,868 I've got to go a-meet my girl a-friend. 386 00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,200 And don't worry. 387 00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,100 It's not my style to gloat. 388 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:25,734 * Niener, niener, niener, niener * 389 00:16:25,801 --> 00:16:28,200 * I'm the stud and you're the wiener. * 390 00:16:28,267 --> 00:16:31,667 Well, I'm sure you and Tamara 391 00:16:31,734 --> 00:16:34,234 can still be friends. 392 00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:37,601 (yelp) 393 00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:41,934 Whoo. College. 394 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,667 I'm so impressed. 395 00:16:44,734 --> 00:16:46,033 Got to kill Duckman. 396 00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,968 Take him out of the picture. 397 00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,367 Set up Fluffy and Uranus. 398 00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:53,968 Those patsies can take the fall, yeah. 399 00:16:54,033 --> 00:16:57,868 Then Tamara will be mine, mine, all mine. 400 00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,801 (evil laughter) 401 00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:17,901 DUCKMAN: I'm so excited. 402 00:17:17,968 --> 00:17:20,200 Just you and me, the future ahead of us. 403 00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:21,400 Do you like kids? 404 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,367 I know do. In fact, I always wanted a few of my own. 405 00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:25,868 Hmm. Anyway, where we going? 406 00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:27,033 My grandfather's house. 407 00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,901 They do weddings there? 408 00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:32,567 Grampsy and I have a... well, special relationship. 409 00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:35,033 If something terrible is going to happen to me, 410 00:17:35,100 --> 00:17:37,400 I want to spend a little time with him before I die. 411 00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:39,067 Hey, don't talk like that. 412 00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,734 Well, someone is trying to kill me. 413 00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,534 No, I mean don't use words like "Grampsy." 414 00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:43,567 It gives me the creeps. 415 00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:45,434 I've always called him Grampsy. 416 00:17:45,501 --> 00:17:47,701 I love him dearly, like I love you. 417 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,934 Well, in that case, you call him anything you want, 418 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,100 my wittle snookum-bookums... 419 00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,234 Wait. You're right. 420 00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:55,167 Let's not talk like that anymore. 421 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,234 I can't wait to meet my future grandfather-in-law. 422 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,133 And I'll do anything it takes to make him like me... 423 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,267 except sponge him down. 424 00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:04,634 There's something about their skin... 425 00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,934 No, no, you only have to do one thing-- 426 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,267 make him laugh. 427 00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:11,133 You see, he's been a little down lately 428 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,767 and, well, when Grampsy's happy, that makes me happy. 429 00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:15,334 And if I'm happy, 430 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:21,801 you're going to be very, very, very happy. 431 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,300 We're on! 432 00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,601 Fake dog doo? 433 00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:28,334 They make fake dog doo? 434 00:18:47,901 --> 00:18:52,634 (wheezing laughter) 435 00:18:52,701 --> 00:18:55,667 And he says, "Good thing I held my breath 436 00:18:55,734 --> 00:18:58,200 or I would have drowned in there." 437 00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:01,033 (Grampsy laughing hysterically) 438 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,300 Ah, thank you, thank you. 439 00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:05,267 No, you're marvelous, really. 440 00:19:05,334 --> 00:19:06,934 Now, on a more tasteful note, 441 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,300 a blind proctologist walks into a pie-eating contest. 442 00:19:09,367 --> 00:19:11,534 (wheezing laughter) 443 00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:12,701 Duckman, you're killing him. 444 00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,033 And how. 445 00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,567 No, if he laughs too hard, his heart will give out. 446 00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:18,767 Tamara wants you to kill him. 447 00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:20,601 Because the truth is, that's not her grandfather. 448 00:19:20,667 --> 00:19:23,567 It's her husband. 449 00:19:23,634 --> 00:19:27,434 Her real name isn't even Tamara le Boinque. 450 00:19:27,501 --> 00:19:30,534 It's actually Tamara le Binque. 451 00:19:31,601 --> 00:19:32,701 All this time, 452 00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:34,434 she's been impersonating her younger sister 453 00:19:34,501 --> 00:19:35,934 after she killed her last husband, 454 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,167 a thin man, for the double indemnity insurance 455 00:19:38,234 --> 00:19:39,801 she used to bribe city officials 456 00:19:39,868 --> 00:19:41,300 to get the water rights to Chinatown 457 00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,300 so she could finance 458 00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:43,567 her search for the Maltese falcon. 459 00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,901 Lies! All lies! 460 00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,567 And he's my grandfather, I tell you! 461 00:19:47,634 --> 00:19:48,901 He's my husband. 462 00:19:48,968 --> 00:19:50,334 My grandfather. 463 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,667 My husband. 464 00:19:51,734 --> 00:19:53,033 My grandfather. 465 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:54,634 All right! I'll tell the truth! 466 00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:56,100 He's my husband! 467 00:19:56,167 --> 00:19:58,434 Sorry. We were in a groove. 468 00:19:58,501 --> 00:19:59,501 Go on. 469 00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,467 I needed Duckman to make him laugh. 470 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,934 His spastic humor was the kind of low-brow crap 471 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:04,968 Emil actually liked. 472 00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:07,834 Excuse me. 473 00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:10,934 I've got something in my eye. 474 00:20:12,601 --> 00:20:15,400 Real nice. 475 00:20:15,467 --> 00:20:18,567 Look, Cornfed, it's you I wanted all along. 476 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,601 I'm still rich from the last guy's insurance. 477 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,367 Let's run away to a place you've always wanted to go 478 00:20:23,434 --> 00:20:24,534 with someone you love... 479 00:20:24,601 --> 00:20:25,667 a secret place you've dreamt about 480 00:20:25,734 --> 00:20:27,467 but never spoken of to a living soul. 481 00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:33,033 Sorry, angel. 482 00:20:33,100 --> 00:20:35,067 Maybe I do love you, but he's my partner. 483 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,567 And when a man's partner is hurt, 484 00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,033 you're supposed to do something about it. 485 00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:39,634 You're going up the river. 486 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,000 When you get out of Tehachapi 487 00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:45,334 give me a call. 488 00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:48,634 Or sooner. 489 00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,934 Here's my home, office, car, fax, beeper. 490 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,133 That's my private line 491 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,634 and my mother's number is on the back. 492 00:20:53,701 --> 00:20:55,000 I go there every Sunday. 493 00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:05,400 Could you kind officers loosen these? 494 00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,000 I just hate handcuffs... 495 00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:10,000 when I'm not in bed, that is. 496 00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:19,434 Zirconium? 497 00:21:19,501 --> 00:21:20,767 Shaved ice. 498 00:21:20,834 --> 00:21:22,167 It used to be bigger. 499 00:21:22,234 --> 00:21:25,167 I'm sorry, Duckman. Just thought you should know. 500 00:21:25,234 --> 00:21:26,534 Before the police took her away, 501 00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:29,234 she said she actually did love you. 502 00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:30,834 You mean it? 503 00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:36,100 Thanks, Corny, for trying. 504 00:21:37,567 --> 00:21:38,501 What's this? 505 00:21:41,234 --> 00:21:43,601 The stuff that dreams are made of, Duckman. 506 00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,968 The stuff that dreams are made of.